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Ancient Macedonian Time-Traveller (Sci-Fi Satire, 1997)

ANCIENT MACEDONIAN TIME-TRAVELLER

(an Extropian-Futuristic short story)

posted to: soc.culture.greek, alt.news.macedonia, alt.prose (10/1/1997)perverse_alexander3-249x300

News Bulletin No. 23/1, Date:  January 10, 2097
Location: Salonika, Time-Travel Research Centre, History-Robot News-Server
(The Federation of Slavic, Albanian, and Hellenic Net-Archist Republics)

1. Time-Traveller Interview
The Ancient Macedonian Time-Traveller sent to the Earth by the Aliens who staged the “Roswell Incident” (more than 100 years ago), was interviewed by Artificially Intelligent Robot-Journalist Alexander Macintosh, yesterday. Extracts of the interview follow:

Robot Journalist:

Millions of people are waiting to hear what you have to say about your cultural heritage and genetic origin, Sir. Are you Hellenic/Greek in other words, or… what?

Time Traveller:

Both yes and no. I don’t see why I have to define myself according to the terminology of those scumbag-ethnicities who occupy our holy grounds todayThere will be more time-travellers like me soon anyway, and… once we get our hands on the biotechnological reproductive facilities of the University of Salonika, we will breed like rabbits(!), making copies of ourselves, and start a lobby to return the Holy Land of our ancestors to the only people who truly deserve it: Ancient Macedonians!

Robot Journalist:

Are you Greek, then?

Time Traveller:

Oh, stop putting words in my mouth!… The way you pronounce our language today makes my ears suffer… You removed all the long and short vowels, you introduced Turkish and other non-Macedonian words, and… (as if this desecration of our ancient language wasn’t enough, from you, Greeks) you allowed a Slavic Ethnicity, full of beautiful blonde and red-head women, to claim they descended from us. I wish they did, but they didn’t. Now, as regards Hellenicity (you Robothead moron...) it was never ‘in the genes’ anyway. It’s a cultural thing!!! (As if my five years of training in your shitty culture weren’t enough!…)  So some of you descended from us, yes! -But SO WHAT?  Human DNA is imperfect, anyway… and we’re already working on… improving it!… Thank Zeus I had a course in your Science and know how to do it, now!

Robot Journalist:

So what do you propose, to the Citizens of our modern Direct Democracies?

Time Traveller:

Simply to go and… fuck themselves hard! If they bother to also make babies as a result, send them to the lab where I got trained in Artificial Life Prolongation. A short life-span Macedonian as as useless as a dead Barbarian!…  We need more Culture ya know, and it’s just not possible to have Culture with the conventional  (highly bugged DNA-code-) lifespan of just 125-130 years. We need at least 500 years of a decent life to learn just the basics of knowledge that we need. Reminds me of what our great leader Alexander the Great was saying to his warriors: -Look, assholes, respect the women of the peoples you conquer…  Which is why Alex spent so much drachmae training us all in proper Hellenic language, not the… trashy dialects introduced by mothers who were clueless because of being foreign.

Robot Journalist:

And what do you have to say to modern Hellenic Macedonians?

Time Traveller:

They can go to hell, just like the Slavs and everyone else in the region. The region belongs to Ancient MacedoniansWe’re back now, and will breed and multiply. We speak proper Hellenic, not the Grekomani-trash-lingo known as ‘Greek‘ today!…

(to be continued)


 

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